THE SO-CLAMORED-FOR TALE - INTRODUCTION

In a past life, (listen, this is just an expression that means it was a long time ago, a couple careers back, when I was young and foolish), I had come back to the St. Louis area on furlough from where I was stationed in the military. It had been a long time since I had been home and many things had changed.

First, I suppose you should know a few other things so that your mind doesn’t wander as you read this so-clamored-for tale. As a youth, I had only seldom dreamed of the military life (only after a cool movie). I really wanted to be a doctor as far back as I could remember – most of my life. However, in middle school, I discovered Don Kirshner’s Rock Concert, which was sort of like MTV before there was MTV. Oh yeah, seeing all those famous rock, jazz, folk and pop stars performing on stage was too much for my young psyche: I was mesmerized.

By the way, when I was in elementary school, and everyone in the class was reporting on what they wanted to be when they grew up and I declared my desire to become a doctor, it was Mrs. Adams who said I'd never make it because it was too difficult. Yeah, THE Mrs. Adams who walked about the classroom incessantly flossing her teeth ALL freaking day long. Yeah, YOU know who I'm talking about! She went on and on and on about how many years of college there was, how intense the studying would be, yaada yaada yaada. Mrs. Adams, if you ever read this, let me tell you a little something. I had terrific grades and was a really smart cookie, why would you piss on a little kid's Wheaties like that?! I shoulda told my dad what you said so he coulda come down and given you a knuckle sandwich, you tooth-flossin' sicko dream-crusher! Don't you remember my report on Abraham Lincoln I wrote on my very own but which you accused me of getting my dad to write it for me?!?! Huh?!?! Remember?!?! I was spelling-bee champion of the entire grade school two years in a row! On that very day you dashed my dream of being a surgeon, I could have beaten you on any human anatomy test!

Okay, that was cathartic. I shall now continue.

So, understanding that I could never be a doctor because it was too difficult, it was easy to follow the world’s wide and well-trodden path to destruction: I immediately discarded all aspirations to help the world be a better place. Yes, I saved up money to buy an electric guitar. I was crazy in love with this dream! I would gaze for hours at the pictures of the lead guitarists of groups whose LPs I listened to. I skipped lunch and went without lots of goodies in order to save for the guitar. I hoarded change and dollar bills in a family-size pickle jar and after not gaining any weight for several months, I bought my first electric guitar. Looking back, I realize it was a cheap guitar that no pro would have ever considered using, but I still think of it as a sweet instrument because … well, if I have to explain it, you just wouldn’t understand why. My dad pitched in a good amount so I could have an amplifier to play it through. I took lessons and practiced round the clock. It oughta be clear by now that I poured my soul into this dream – I starved myself to buy one, idolized those who had made it big, and I ate, slept, and drank guitar licks - I really did fall asleep with it a few times! Before long, I had become a pretty good guitarist. I wound up playing lead guitar in a number of rock bands, having fun doing cover songs.

So how in the world did I wind up in the military? That’s for the next post. See you soon.

J.P.T.