THE SO-CLAMORED-FOR TALE - ENTER JACO

Yes, I had the $50 bill in my hand, pinched between my thumb and index finger and I handed it to Eddie across the table. You know how, every once in a while, you hand something to someone and you swear they’ve got it, but then you let go and discover that they didn’t? Well, yeah, it happened. I handed the bill over and I swore Eddie had it but I let go and instead of floating farther over toward Eddie’s side of the table, it plopped right into the gravy bowl.

Now I was really embarrassed! The dog, Jaco, is getting friendly on my leg, I am eating food that really should be eaten by my starving but gracious host, I am giving money to help a man who had to discard his pride and dignity to ask for pity, and now that little bit of charity has been fumbled right smack dab into his meager rations. Well Eddie didn’t let a little gravy get him down. He simply took the 50-dollar bill out of the gravy and gave it a little shake near the floor.

Let’s not forget about the Jaco, now. As soon as Eddie turned with the bill, the dog vacated my leg and went over to Eddie’s side of the card table. I didn’t see Jaco with my eyes, but I heard the squishy slurp, and I was wondering if Jaco did what I thought he did.

Eddie bolted out of his chair and grabbed Jaco in what I can only describe as being some of the most masterful rodeo calf-tying I’ve ever seen – except Eddie didn’t tie Jaco, he just “secured” him with his leg while he pried Jaco’s mouth open and proceeded to do a little spelunking to fish that bill out.

I’ll hand it to Eddie and to Jaco: I’ve never seen a man with enough guts to thrust his hand down a hungry dog’s throat, and I’ve never seen a hungry dog permit a man reach into his gullet. Well, accolades aside, Eddie did not retrieve the bill.

At this point, I saw a side of Eddie which I’d never seen or heard: pure fury. Eddie straddled Jaco on the floor with his legs contorted a little to maximize his control over the poor beast. He kept one hand planted firmly at the base of Jaco’s skull while he rooted through the little array of cardboard boxes that sufficed for kitchen cabinets and drawers. He finally found what he was looking for – a steak knife.

Zut-alors – he intended to cut the dog open to get that $50 bill! I proclaimed every kind of “whoah” word that I could think of and rapidly suggested that we just take Jaco to a vet so he could just puke it up. There was a tense moment while Eddie mulled this over but after a few moments he agreed that was the best thing to do. Praise the Lord! I could only imagine what would have ensued if he had rejected the vet idea.

Now I still thought that my idea to take Jaco to the vet was a good one, but I kicked myself anyway. Why? Why?!?!?! Well because I had a nice shiny sportscar, THAT’s why! All right, it was a choice: risk getting the sportscar dirty or cut the dog open. Okay, I put Jaco in the back. He laid down like a very good doggy.

Right now I was thinking something along the lines of the evil emperor in Star Wars, “Everything’s going according to plaaaan.”

Things we’re going well at the moment, but that was going to be short-lived moment.

J.P.T.